how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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