If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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