Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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