yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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