I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize