You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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