Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
