He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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