$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
