i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
