The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
