tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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