this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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