All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
