i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
