GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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