I wish I only lived at night.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize