OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
