Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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