I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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