i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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