There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize