i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
