you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
