my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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