i wish my penis had a tongue
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
