you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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