Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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