i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
