I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize