Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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