After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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