I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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