I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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