There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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