I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The Olympian is in my bed
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
