I cannot find my penis.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
