Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
