my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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