alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm sobbing to NWA
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
