I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
