i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
