Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
