I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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