I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize