I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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