I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
