the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
