I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
