I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
