two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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