yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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