you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
