Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
