Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
