The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
