i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
