Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i wish my penis had a tongue
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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