ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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