I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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